How to Break Up With Your Boyfriend
You’ve realized things haven’t been working out with your boyfriend for awhile now. You two seem incompatible. You’re at different life stages or don’t share future goals. Maybe distance is a problem. Whatever the reason, you realize you’re no longer in love with him or just don’t see a future with him.
Breaking up with someone you love is a difficult emotional struggle. You don’t want to hurt your boyfriend more than necessary, but you also don’t want to leave any false hopes alive that one day you’ll get back together.
While making the decision to break up can be hard, actually doing it is even more challenging. Here are a few ways to minimize the pain.
- Be clear and honest. Be honest with yourself why you want to break up. It’s easy to rattle off superficial issues such as things your partner does that annoy you. It’s easy to declare a break-up after a major fight when negative emotions are strong. Neither convey the respect and love you’ve shared through your time together. What’s your real reason? What are the core issues at the heart of your discontent? Is there any possible way to work things out? Be sure a break-up is what you want, because in most cases, there’s no going back.
- Get organized. If you live with your boyfriend, find a new place. Set up a time to move out. At least initially, rearrange your schedule so you don’t accidentally run into him. Make sure you have the logistics in order and have separated any joint accounts – or have a list of what needs to be taken care of to move forward – so you can make a clean break.
- Approach your partner with an attitude of compassion. Set up a time to talk with your boyfriend, preferably face-to-face. When you talk with him, express why you loved him and in what ways you were a great match.
- Start with the positive qualities that enriched your life before going into the reasons why you don’t feel you’re compatible and want to end the relationship.
- Focus on how you’re feeling and make it clear that there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s not at fault. Blaming or attacking him won’t help the situation.
- Explain how you are grateful for the experience and what you’ve learned from your relationship.
- Be genuine and open when explaining why you want to break up. Give him a reason why you aren’t feeling enthusiastic about a future with him and that you don’t want to lead him on or prevent him from finding someone who is better suited to him.
- Convey that this was a difficult decision for you because you do like him very much and don’t want to hurt him, but that you are sure this is the right thing.
- Be there and listen to your partner. Your boyfriend may get emotional and will probably bounce between hurt and anger as the news sinks in. He might act irrational – begging you to reconsider in one instant and in the next, screaming hurtful words. Don’t take what he says personally or become defensive. Stay calm and be there for him during the initial shock.
- Give him space. After the breakup, your ex will be hurting, even if he appears to have gotten on with his life. He’ll need time to heal and likely won’t want to see you or “be friends” right away.
- Let go of any guilt. You may feel guilty for initiating a break-up and hurting your partner. Find ways to let go of this guilt such as exercise, meditation and spending time reflecting. Break-ups don’t mean you or he did anything wrong or that your relationship was a “failure.” They are natural endings for stages of your life.
Breaking up with someone isn’t easy, but if you feel it’s the only way forward, gather your courage and do it sooner rather than later. Once you’ve decided you no longer want to be in the relationship, your boyfriend will probably realize something’s wrong anyway when he sees you start to pull away. Don’t wait until your unresolved issues build up into an enormous fight. Break up while there’s still love and respect between the two of you.
Join Mailing List
Receive our free 14-page guide, "6 Devastating Mistakes Women Make When Trying To Attract a Man," plus dating tips by email. We will never sell, disclose, or trade your information.