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Your ex-boyfriend broke up with you, and you’re not quite ready to move on. If you believe there’s still hope for a future relationship, and you’re willing to fight for another chance, here are four steps to getting back together with your ex.

Step 1 – Dealing with Fear and Grief

After a breakup, you’ll likely experience a roller coaster of negative emotions such as disbelief, depression, sadness, anxiety and anger. These emotions may cloud your judgment about what you should do to get your ex back. In your state of shock, you may do things you’d usually not do, like physically harming yourself, drinking or taking drugs to numb the pain, isolating yourself from your family and friends, breaking into tears at the slightest suggestion of your ex, or even calling up your ex and pleading with him to take you back no matter what. These destructive behaviors will only jeopardize your chances of winning back your ex.

If you want to get back with your ex, you’ll need to deal with the initial grief you’re feeling. To effectively do that, you’ll need to cut off all contact with your ex. He doesn’t need to see the pain you’re experiencing. Cutting off contact will give you both some time apart to analyze the breakup, forget some of the negative emotions, and force him to accept that he may have lost you for good – something he may not be prepared to do. It also gives you time to plan your strategy for getting him back.

Grieving is a natural response to loss. All those emotions you’re feeling are perfectly normal. It may seem like your entire world has become unraveled and that you have no idea where to go from here. That’s ok – but realize that dwelling on your grief 24/7 will only make things worse. A good way to deal with the pain is to give yourself a 15-20 minute time limit each day where you devote your entire concentration to your pain.

For the rest of the day, find ways to distract yourself. Ask your family and friends for support. Get counseling if you need it. Throw yourself into your work or a passion you have. Find ways to help others such as volunteering for your favorite cause.

Step 2 – Analyze What Went Wrong

If you hope to get a second chance with your ex, you must analyze what went wrong with your relationship and learn from past mistakes. Breakups are a two way deal, so here are a few questions to ask:

• What caused your breakup?
• What was good about your relationship?
• Do you feel your ex accepts you for who you are?
• Do your family and friends like your ex?
• Do you really love your ex – or is being with your ex a way to avoid the fear and uncertainty of being single?
• How will things be different if you and your ex get back together?

As you look at your relationship from a broader perspective, you may feel anger – either toward yourself, your ex, or even your situation. Maybe you feel your ex didn’t give as much as you did. Maybe he didn’t show love and affection as much as you would have liked. Maybe he was possessive and didn’t like when you went out with your friends. Maybe he would act distant.

Whatever the reason, if you want to win your ex back, you must first let go of your anger and forgive yourself and your ex for any past mistakes – including the hurt and betrayal from the breakup. Anger that you try to repress or ignore will only creep up later as a lingering resentment if you two do reconcile, and that’s the quickest way to another breakup.

Step 3 – Improve Yourself

It’s easy to lose aspects of yourself or give up things you love for your relationship. People change over the course of a relationship, and it’s easy to prioritize certain things over others – especially when you only have a limited amount of time to spend with your ex. Sometimes, however, those changes and compromises can lead to you giving up your life and yourself to become more of what you think your ex wants. How have you changed over the course of the relationship?

If you want to win your ex back, you must first get yourself back. What were you like when you first met him? Here are some ways to look and feel better.

• Get your body back. Men are visual creatures who want their woman to take pride in her appearance. If you’ve let yourself go, start working out 3-5 days a week. Not only will your body look fabulous next time your ex sees you, but exercise will boost your mood, reduce stress, and improve your sleep.
• Get a makeover. How you look is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. If you look great and know it, it will boost your self esteem – and make your ex do a double take next time he sees you. Head to a hair salon and spend the day getting a nice hairstyle. Head to a department store cosmetic counter and ask what makeup would go best with your complexion. Start a daily beauty ritual where you moisturize your skin and, if you’re pale, apply a bronzer for a healthy tone. Hit your favorite clothing store and buy a few new items that enhance your body’s best features.
• Regain your social life. While it’s tempting to sit at home alone watching chick flicks and eating junk food, force yourself to go out. Reconnect with old friends and family that you’ve neglected. Take up new hobbies to meet people. Head to your local coffee shop or bookstore and briefly chat with people around you. Take that trip you’ve been meaning to take.
• Start dating. It may seem counterintuitive to start dating other men if you want your ex back, but dating is the fastest way to realize that you are a great catch. Your ex isn’t the only guy out there, and once you realize you have plenty of other options, you won’t feel so desperate to rekindle things with your ex.

Step 4 – Getting Back Together With Your Ex

Once you’ve done the first three steps, it’s time to contact your ex and ask to meet up for coffee or lunch. During this part, you’ll need to be at your best, so keep the initial conversation positive and brief. Don’t bring up the breakup or any past baggage from your relationship at all.

If your ex agrees, that’s a great sign. Take things slowly. When you see him, look your best, smile and be friendly, and keep things upbeat and fun. Watch his body language for any indicators of interest (IOIs) like making prolonged eye contact, smiling warmly, orienting his body toward you, laughing at your jokes, leaning closer to you, or touching you. Try to flirt with your ex like you did when you two first met.

If both of you have a good time, your ex may be willing to see you again. Again, take it slow. See your ex as friends, and eventually start dating your ex like you would start dating a new guy in your life. Don’t try to jump back to where you were in the old relationship, but accept that relationship is gone and if you want things to work this time around, you’ll need to create a brand new relationship with your ex.

Eventually, you’ll have to address your breakup, but don’t do so until you and your ex are regularly meeting and things are going well. Talk about what you’ve both learned from the breakup and how you each can change to make your new relationship stronger than ever.

By following these four steps, you’ll drastically improve your chances of getting back together with your ex.