• He won’t make eye contact. It’s been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul. If your ex makes minimal eye contact with you, he may be uncomfortable talking with you or afraid he’ll lead you on if he acts overly friendly. Lack of eye contact demonstrates a lack of confidence – that your ex may be nervous around you or not prepared to talk with you.
• He keeps his arms or legs crossed. Crossed arms or legs are a sign that someone is defending themselves or hiding something (provided they aren’t cold). If he’s uncomfortable talking with you or feels you are trying to persuade him to do something he doesn’t want to do, or he still has negative feelings towards you due to your breakup, he may not be ready to talk with you.
• He keeps conversations brief. If you try to talk with him and he keeps his answers concise and without emotion, he’s not interested. Guys who are interested will find any opportunity they can find to talk with you.
• He fidgets, taps his fingers or plays with an item. Fidgeting and tapping fingers are signs of nervous gestures. Perhaps he disagrees with what you are saying or feels awkward talking with you.
• He forces a smile. If you’ve dated your ex for any length of time, you can probably tell when he’s genuinely smiling and when he’s just trying to be polite. If he gives you a closed-lips smile or looks tense, he’s not interested.

If your ex seems curt, rigid, or uncomfortable around you, he’s probably not interested in reconciling. Give him some time and space. You can’t force your ex to like you, want you back, or even want to be friends with you. The best thing you can do is be polite and friendly if you see him but move on with your life.

• Get fit. If you want to make your ex drool, get back your fit, toned body. Eat right (I’ve had great success following Tim Ferriss’ guidelines) and start regularly exercising with a combination of cardio and weight lifting. (No, you won’t get bulky.)
• Get a makeover. One of the best ways to feel better is to look your best. Change something about your appearance such as getting a new hair color or style, dressing differently (if you usually wear jeans and T-shirts, start wearing skirts), or finding a new makeup color that looks great on you.
• Improve your posture. Pay attention to how you walk, sit or stand. Keep your shoulders back and your arms down and open to convey that you are a confident, friendly, fun woman who is open to approach. When you walk, think to yourself “I’m gorgeous” or “I make a great catch” and your confidence will show through your posture. When you slouch or guard yourself with crossed arms or legs, you convey that you want people to leave you alone.
• Be warm and friendly. People want to be around those who are warm, upbeat, and positive. No one wants to listen to someone complain about every negative thing going wrong in their lives. Smile and look for ways to brighten other people’s day. Not only will you help someone else out, but you’ll feel good about doing it.
• Be independent. You don’t need a guy to complete you or make you happy. You can be whole and happy while single. Look for activities and hobbies that fulfill you. Take up a new interest or hobby. Join a club. Volunteer. Learn a new language. Take a trip. You’ll quickly realize that your life goes on – and isn’t so bad – without your ex.
• Be outgoing. Start meeting new people or reconnecting with old friends you may not have seen in awhile. In psychology, there’s a concept called “social proof,” which means people tend to value what other people value. If you surround yourself with lots of people who think you’re great, your ex will start to see you as being a friendly, outgoing person who is lots of fun.
• Date other guys. Like with having a great circle of friends, when you start dating, you see that other men value you as a romantic partner. Suddenly, your ex doesn’t seem like your only choice, but one of many possibilities.

Ultimately, the best way to make your ex want you back is to prove to yourself that you’re a wonderful, caring, loving person who will make a great girlfriend to anyone you choose to date. When he starts to see how you have a life without him, that you have lots of great friends and that other guys want you, he’ll start to see what a great girl he gave up and fear that he might not be able to win you back. That’s when he’ll start asking for another chance.

Step 1 – Dealing with Fear and Grief

After a breakup, you’ll likely experience a roller coaster of negative emotions such as disbelief, depression, sadness, anxiety and anger. These emotions may cloud your judgment about what you should do to get your ex back. In your state of shock, you may do things you’d usually not do, like physically harming yourself, drinking or taking drugs to numb the pain, isolating yourself from your family and friends, breaking into tears at the slightest suggestion of your ex, or even calling up your ex and pleading with him to take you back no matter what. These destructive behaviors will only jeopardize your chances of winning back your ex.

If you want to get back with your ex, you’ll need to deal with the initial grief you’re feeling. To effectively do that, you’ll need to cut off all contact with your ex. He doesn’t need to see the pain you’re experiencing. Cutting off contact will give you both some time apart to analyze the breakup, forget some of the negative emotions, and force him to accept that he may have lost you for good – something he may not be prepared to do. It also gives you time to plan your strategy for getting him back.

Grieving is a natural response to loss. All those emotions you’re feeling are perfectly normal. It may seem like your entire world has become unraveled and that you have no idea where to go from here. That’s ok – but realize that dwelling on your grief 24/7 will only make things worse. A good way to deal with the pain is to give yourself a 15-20 minute time limit each day where you devote your entire concentration to your pain.

For the rest of the day, find ways to distract yourself. Ask your family and friends for support. Get counseling if you need it. Throw yourself into your work or a passion you have. Find ways to help others such as volunteering for your favorite cause.

Step 2 – Analyze What Went Wrong

If you hope to get a second chance with your ex, you must analyze what went wrong with your relationship and learn from past mistakes. Breakups are a two way deal, so here are a few questions to ask:

• What caused your breakup?
• What was good about your relationship?
• Do you feel your ex accepts you for who you are?
• Do your family and friends like your ex?
• Do you really love your ex – or is being with your ex a way to avoid the fear and uncertainty of being single?
• How will things be different if you and your ex get back together?

As you look at your relationship from a broader perspective, you may feel anger – either toward yourself, your ex, or even your situation. Maybe you feel your ex didn’t give as much as you did. Maybe he didn’t show love and affection as much as you would have liked. Maybe he was possessive and didn’t like when you went out with your friends. Maybe he would act distant.

Whatever the reason, if you want to win your ex back, you must first let go of your anger and forgive yourself and your ex for any past mistakes – including the hurt and betrayal from the breakup. Anger that you try to repress or ignore will only creep up later as a lingering resentment if you two do reconcile, and that’s the quickest way to another breakup.

Step 3 – Improve Yourself

It’s easy to lose aspects of yourself or give up things you love for your relationship. People change over the course of a relationship, and it’s easy to prioritize certain things over others – especially when you only have a limited amount of time to spend with your ex. Sometimes, however, those changes and compromises can lead to you giving up your life and yourself to become more of what you think your ex wants. How have you changed over the course of the relationship?

If you want to win your ex back, you must first get yourself back. What were you like when you first met him? Here are some ways to look and feel better.

• Get your body back. Men are visual creatures who want their woman to take pride in her appearance. If you’ve let yourself go, start working out 3-5 days a week. Not only will your body look fabulous next time your ex sees you, but exercise will boost your mood, reduce stress, and improve your sleep.
• Get a makeover. How you look is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. If you look great and know it, it will boost your self esteem – and make your ex do a double take next time he sees you. Head to a hair salon and spend the day getting a nice hairstyle. Head to a department store cosmetic counter and ask what makeup would go best with your complexion. Start a daily beauty ritual where you moisturize your skin and, if you’re pale, apply a bronzer for a healthy tone. Hit your favorite clothing store and buy a few new items that enhance your body’s best features.
• Regain your social life. While it’s tempting to sit at home alone watching chick flicks and eating junk food, force yourself to go out. Reconnect with old friends and family that you’ve neglected. Take up new hobbies to meet people. Head to your local coffee shop or bookstore and briefly chat with people around you. Take that trip you’ve been meaning to take.
• Start dating. It may seem counterintuitive to start dating other men if you want your ex back, but dating is the fastest way to realize that you are a great catch. Your ex isn’t the only guy out there, and once you realize you have plenty of other options, you won’t feel so desperate to rekindle things with your ex.

Step 4 – Getting Back Together With Your Ex

Once you’ve done the first three steps, it’s time to contact your ex and ask to meet up for coffee or lunch. During this part, you’ll need to be at your best, so keep the initial conversation positive and brief. Don’t bring up the breakup or any past baggage from your relationship at all.

If your ex agrees, that’s a great sign. Take things slowly. When you see him, look your best, smile and be friendly, and keep things upbeat and fun. Watch his body language for any indicators of interest (IOIs) like making prolonged eye contact, smiling warmly, orienting his body toward you, laughing at your jokes, leaning closer to you, or touching you. Try to flirt with your ex like you did when you two first met.

If both of you have a good time, your ex may be willing to see you again. Again, take it slow. See your ex as friends, and eventually start dating your ex like you would start dating a new guy in your life. Don’t try to jump back to where you were in the old relationship, but accept that relationship is gone and if you want things to work this time around, you’ll need to create a brand new relationship with your ex.

Eventually, you’ll have to address your breakup, but don’t do so until you and your ex are regularly meeting and things are going well. Talk about what you’ve both learned from the breakup and how you each can change to make your new relationship stronger than ever.

By following these four steps, you’ll drastically improve your chances of getting back together with your ex.

• Why did you and your ex break up? Couples break up because something isn’t working in their relationship. What were the main problems with your relationship? What didn’t work or drove you apart?

• Was your relationship really as good as you remember? We remember selectively, dwelling nostalgically on the positives while forgetting the bad times. Were you happy in your previous relationship?
• Do you really want to get back together? When an ex comes back into our lives, it’s tempting to focus on what he wants rather than what you want. Just because your ex might want to get back together doesn’t mean you have to agree to it. Is this something you want?
• Do you love your ex, or is he Mr. Right Now? If you are only considering reconciling with your ex because you both are now single, or you hate being alone, or you want a man in your life but the right one hasn’t entered your life, you may want to hold off on reconciling with your ex. If you know your ex isn’t the right guy for you, starting things up again with him will only prolong your search for Mr. Right.
• How will things be different this time? Are both of you willing to give the relationship a fresh start and work on the problems that plagued your previous relationship?

Getting back with your ex isn’t always “fate” or “for the best.” Before you decide you want your ex back, consider whether you two are really a good fit for one another or if you’re just settling until someone better comes along.

After a breakup, you’re tempted to do all sorts of things you wouldn’t otherwise do just to get your ex back, such as crying, begging and pleading with him, threatening him, or promising to change. None of these do much good to make your ex stay.

Then, you might try to make your ex jealous by flirting with other people, pretending you don’t care at all about him or telling his friends and family how much you love your ex and want him back. Maybe you’ll try to be friends with your ex or even sleep with him, so he remembers how good he once had it.

Rather than helping, these behaviors pretty much destroy any chance you have of getting back with your ex. Your old relationship was broken, so hoping that things will somehow “work” this time around or that you can “fix” things won’t lead to both of you living happily ever after together.

The only way you can work things out is to create a new relationship with your ex – and it’s easier than you think with Waterman and Summers’ six step process. Here’s what you’ll learn in their six-step formula:

1. Get Through the Immediate Grief – When a breakup happens, it seems your whole world unravels. You have to remind yourself that your ex is no longer with you and when you do, you break into tears and feel like the world has ended all over again. It’s at this stage where you have to take some time to pull yourself back together. Don’t contact your ex. Instead, focus on you and getting over your initial grief.
2. Think – Rather than rushing to reconcile with your ex, take some time to understand why you broke up. As painful as it may be to dwell on past mistakes, you have to accept your breakup happened for a reason. Until you know that reason and how both of you could learn from it and do things differently in the future, you won’t be able to re-create a lasting relationship with your ex.
3. Deal with the Anger – When you start looking at the cause of your breakup, you’ll probably feel anger at your ex for something he’s done, whether that’s not making an effort in your relationship, being distant, not acting affectionately, or being too clingy. If you try to deny your anger, it will creep into any new relationship you try to create with your ex. Nothing drives people apart faster than lingering resentment. Until you can make peace with and forgive yourself and your ex for any past mistakes – including the hurt and betrayal you feel from the breakup – you’re not ready to re-establish contact with your ex.
4. Initiate Contact – Once you’ve thought about the reasons for the breakup and forgiven yourself and your ex, you’re ready to start talking to your ex again. You want to initiate contact with the intent of starting a brand new relationship with your ex based on what you’ve learned during the breakup rather than trying to pick things up where you left off. That means re-attracting your ex like you did when you two first started dating.
5. Talk about the Breakup – Once you’re meeting your ex regularly and things are going well, it’s time to talk about what happened during the breakup. You’ll need to address the pain from your previous relationship if you hope to create a stronger relationship.
6. Putting Love into Practice – Finally, you may have reconciled with your ex, but that doesn’t mean you can sit back and relax. Being lazy in your relationship or taking your partner for granted will quickly lead to another split. Here, Waterman and Summers discuss how you can express your love and appreciation for your partner every day of the year.

In addition to this incredibly informative and easy to follow ebook, 2nd Chance: How to Win Back the Love of Your Ex comes with a number of bonuses.

• How To Be Happy – In this extensive 99-page guide, you’ll learn what it takes to be a healthy, happy person.
• How To Heal The Pain Of A Breakup – This guide encourages you to take a healthy 3-step approach to dealing with your breakup pain, rather than falling into the habit of sleeping 20 hours a day, isolating yourself from others, chain smoking, drowning yourself in alcohol or pigging out on junk food.
• Surviving a Breakup Audio Series – This 11-part audio series provides all sorts of inspiration and comfort for those in the aftermath of a breakup.

Verdict: Second chances can work, but only if you are completely honest about why your relationship failed the first time. Both of you must commit to resolve the problems you previously had. If you’re sure you want to get back with your ex, 2nd Chance: How to Win Back the Love of Your Ex offers one of the most straightforward, concise strategies I’ve seen to get your ex back.

Breaking up with someone you love is a difficult emotional struggle. You don’t want to hurt your boyfriend more than necessary, but you also don’t want to leave any false hopes alive that one day you’ll get back together.

While making the decision to break up can be hard, actually doing it is even more challenging. Here are a few ways to minimize the pain.

1. Be clear and honest. Be honest with yourself why you want to break up. It’s easy to rattle off superficial issues such as things your partner does that annoy you. It’s easy to declare a break-up after a major fight when negative emotions are strong. Neither convey the respect and love you’ve shared through your time together. What’s your real reason? What are the core issues at the heart of your discontent? Is there any possible way to work things out? Be sure a break-up is what you want, because in most cases, there’s no going back.
   
   
2. Get organized. If you live with your boyfriend, find a new place. Set up a time to move out. At least initially, rearrange your schedule so you don’t accidentally run into him. Make sure you have the logistics in order and have separated any joint accounts – or have a list of what needs to be taken care of to move forward – so you can make a clean break.
   
   
3. Approach your partner with an attitude of compassion. Set up a time to talk with your boyfriend, preferably face-to-face. When you talk with him, express why you loved him and in what ways you were a great match.
   1. Start with the positive qualities that enriched your life before going into the reasons why you don’t feel you’re compatible and want to end the relationship.
   2. Focus on how you’re feeling and make it clear that there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s not at fault. Blaming or attacking him won’t help the situation.
   3. Explain how you are grateful for the experience and what you’ve learned from your relationship.
   4. Be genuine and open when explaining why you want to break up. Give him a reason why you aren’t feeling enthusiastic about a future with him and that you don’t want to lead him on or prevent him from finding someone who is better suited to him.
   5. Convey that this was a difficult decision for you because you do like him very much and don’t want to hurt him, but that you are sure this is the right thing.
   6. Be there and listen to your partner. Your boyfriend may get emotional and will probably bounce between hurt and anger as the news sinks in. He might act irrational – begging you to reconsider in one instant and in the next, screaming hurtful words. Don’t take what he says personally or become defensive. Stay calm and be there for him during the initial shock.
4. Give him space. After the breakup, your ex will be hurting, even if he appears to have gotten on with his life. He’ll need time to heal and likely won’t want to see you or “be friends” right away.
   
   
5. Let go of any guilt. You may feel guilty for initiating a break-up and hurting your partner. Find ways to let go of this guilt such as exercise, meditation and spending time reflecting. Break-ups don’t mean you or he did anything wrong or that your relationship was a “failure.” They are natural endings for stages of your life.

Breaking up with someone isn’t easy, but if you feel it’s the only way forward, gather your courage and do it sooner rather than later. Once you’ve decided you no longer want to be in the relationship, your boyfriend will probably realize something’s wrong anyway when he sees you start to pull away. Don’t wait until your unresolved issues build up into an enormous fight. Break up while there’s still love and respect between the two of you.

In her book, “On Death and Dying,” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross outlined the five step process people experience when dealing with grief such as a terminal illness or catastrophic loss. These steps, which often can be experienced simultaneously, are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Here’s how this plays out during the healing process of a break-up.

Phase 1: Denial

Just after you’ve broken up, you’ll go into shock and start panicking. You’ll think “Why did he do this to me?” and “Will the pain ever stop?” You might begin chasing your ex, begging him for another chance, calling or emailing repeatedly, Facebook stalking him, or asking mutual friends to mediate contact.

As you obsess over the loss of your ex, you’ll neglect yourself, your home, and your work. You’ll talk nonstop to your friends and family about the break-up, about how wonderful your ex was, and how you can’t imagine life without him. You start to glorify your ex – talking up all the positives while forgetting all the things he did that drove you nuts.

While you praise your ex, you’ll start to berate yourself. You’ll see yourself as a loser who can’t keep a boyfriend and managed to mess up the best relationship you’ve ever had. You convince yourself that you’ll never love anyone else as much as you loved your ex, and that somehow the amount of suffering you’re going through proves how much you loved him.

Phase 2: Anger, Bargaining, Depression

As more time passes, you start to realize you may have lost your ex for good. You may feel angry because “he didn’t know how good he had it” and “you can do so much better.” You may try to convince yourself that you never loved him and that your ex was to blame for the relationship’s demise. You feel betrayed that your ex didn’t live up to his words – after all, how could someone who loved you and told you that you’d always be together turn around and hurt you so badly – and that leads to bitterness. Was it all a lie?

Your suffering intensifies when you start to hear about how your ex has moved on with his life or worse, jumped back into the dating world and found a new girl. Ironically, this girl seems to be similar to you in many ways. You wonder if this could be a rebound relationship, and you start plotting ways to get your ex back.

At this stage, one of two things may happen: Your ex completely avoids you or he takes you up on your proposal for no-strings-attached sex. Neither of which is what you want. Aside from being your ex’s booty call, you might try to bargain for your ex’s attention in other ways, like being his “friend” and offering emotional support. If he’s dating someone, you’ll start comparing yourself to your ex’s new lover. You lose weight, get fit, change your hair, buy new clothes and other things to make yourself look great so that when your ex sees you, he’ll have to be impressed.

When none of this works, you’ll become depressed and start researching ways to “get your ex back” or “survive a break-up.” You’ll learn about cutting off all contact with your ex to give yourself time to heal. This will be the hardest thing you’ll have to do, but because you realize nothing else has worked, you might as well give this a shot. You vow to no longer contact your ex or receive any contact from him.

During this time, you’ll have your moments of weakness when you drunk dial your ex, shoot him an email or text, or accidentally run into him in person. You are patient with yourself and realize that while you’ll slip up along the way, this is the only way you can heal. At this point, your ex may wonder what happened to you and contact you – or he may be happy that you’ve finally given up on him.

Phase 3: Acceptance

As time passes, the heartache you experience will slowly lessen. You’ll start to look back at your relationship to learn from your mistakes. You’ll once again be able to acknowledge that you loved your ex. You’ll be able to see where your relationship was great and the negatives that led to its demise. You’ll see your ex for who he truly was and accept why he wasn’t good for you.

You’ll also start to realize that by holding on to the anger, bitterness, hurt and frustration that you feel towards your ex (and towards yourself for any “stupid” things you might have done), you’re only hurting yourself. You’re the one holding onto the obsession and misery. It’s all in your head. All those hours you’ve wasted thinking about your ex and how you wish things were different – he isn’t affected by it. All the negative energy you keep bottled up inside is only damaging you. So you’ll accept reality, forgive your ex and yourself, make peace and then let it go.

Then, one day you’ll be walking along and smile when you realize you haven’t thought about him all morning. Or that you forgot your cell phone so you can’t check to see if he called, and you’re ok with that. You’ll start picking up the pieces of your life – getting things organized and back in order. You’ll accept dates with new guys and realize life goes on.

You immediately wonder what he wants. Is he fishing to see if you are still available? Has he finally realized he made a mistake when he let you go? Does he want to get back together? Here’s how to tell if he’s interested in rekindling your relationship.

• Your mutual friends tell you about him. While you may not hear from him directly, your mutual friends make it a point to let you know how he’s doing – even if you don’t ask. They tell you he misses you and fish for signs you’d be interested in reconciling.
• He contacts you repeatedly. Whether it’s sending a casual email, a text message, a phone call or just writing on your Facebook wall, you hear from your ex regularly. Sometimes, it’s just to ask how you are. Sometimes, it’s a joke or to share a memory. Sometimes, he’s even a bit flirtatious. If he’s making an effort to stay in your life, that’s a key sign he’s still interested.
• He prolongs conversation. If your ex is deliberately looking for opportunities to start conversations with you, he’s probably interested – especially if he keeps the conversation focused around your interests. If your ex avoids eye contact or looks bored during conversation, he’s probably not interested.
• His body language says so. How your ex-boyfriend acts around you will tell you a lot about how he’s feeling. Look at his posture – is it open? Does he make prolonged eye contact? Does he orient his body toward you? Is he leaning forward? Does he mirror you, such as when you take a drink, he does so as well? Those are signs he’s interested and wants you back. If your ex keeps looking around the room or refuses to make eye contact with you, or if he crosses his arms or legs, or leans away from you, his mind is elsewhere.
• He makes a sincere effort to improve. If he suspects he did something to hurt, disappoint, or upset you, he’ll take measures to fix whatever he did. He might also try to make himself more attractive to you, such as getting a better job, improving his physical appearance, or working through any emotional issues he had.

Even if it seems your ex-boyfriend wants you back, don’t give in too quickly. Most women don’t take the time to ask themselves what it is that they want. Do you really want to get back together with your ex? If you are sure he’s the love of your life, let him pursue you for awhile. Make sure he’s initiating any contact and making the effort to see you, so you know he’s serious about winning you back.